Chain reaction
by Gibbersnap
Summary: Lily began a chain reaction when she offered Sirius some very interesting information - not intentionally, of course.  RLSB.
1. Introduction

**(Author's Note: Hey. I do have a few other parts to this written, but for now I'm only posting the introduction and Part One. I'm not entirely happy with these two- the former sounds the same no matter how I rewrite it, and the latter took on a rather dark overtone. Let me know what you think, and enjoy.)**

Being in love with Sirius Black was not an easy thing to do.

I, Remus Lupin, am also a boy - that causes some issues, but ends up being fairly minimal. Werewolves of the half-blooded, studious, intellectual and _gay_ variety come to understand the concept of "different."

Just as minimal is the physical attraction, the way I want to touch-taste-smell-feel-kiss-fuck Sirius, the way a shake of his hair, a gesture, a smile can leave me staring and quite unable to place what I'd just been doing. Wanting to ravage him, be ravaged by him, have him _just_ there and be _just _the one to make him feel good - these are nothing another homosexual wouldn't feel. In the long and the short, they're minimal.

What was instead the single most momentous occasion of our years at Hogwarts -that is to say, _not minimal_- was the way I fell for him. Intellectually. Emotionally. In just about every way possible. Unconditionally, without restraint. Aside from James, I believe myself to be the only one who knows every part of Sirius and who accepts him, even prefers him, for every imperfection.

I knew his hatred, his sneers, his ugliness. I knew every expression that went through his eyes -_God those eyes-_, the way they'd be flint and silver and molten steel-grey. I had no choice in falling for him, so fall I did- completely.

I wish he had known that when it all began.


	2. Sirius and Lily

It all began with Lily.

Most things did, mused Sirius. Lily was a point of beginning. Of the sudden black market for sleeping draughts, for example, among first years who suffered nightmares. "Show some spine," he'd whispered to one of his customers. "She glares at James Potter like that every day, and he drifts blissfully to sleep every night."

She was the starting point of James' infatuation, as well. No denying that.

But nearest and dearest to his heart, Lily Evans began a chain reaction when she offered Sirius some extremely interesting information.

Not intentionally, of course.

"I hate you," Lily hissed. "I really, really hate you."

Sirius gave a long, slow exhale in reply. If Lily hadn't been there, the potions master wouldn't have been a problem to avoid. However, if Slughorn hadn't been there, Lily herself would have presented a problem.

More often than not, the things Lily began were disastrous. There was no way to win in those cases except to pull her into a cupboard and fervently pray she didn't remember who she was. How easy it would be for her to smile and speak politely to a teacher, charm her way out of trouble. That, of course, would have landed Sirius in the middle of it.

He reviewed his total: no powdered newt tongue (and Spineless really was desperate for a fresh batch of sleeping draught- desperate enough to pay handsomely), time spent in a potions cupboard with Lily's elbow in his kidney (he swore she was digging it in purposely), time spent _anywhere_ _at all_ _at any moment _with Lily, and the ludicrous amounts of trouble he might still be in from any number of sources.

She inhaled sharply as Slughorn shuffled toward them, but the sound was lost in the crashing of a table to the ground. The teacher swore and then launched into a drunken, warbling version of "The Crup of Baldrach Moor." Sirius snorted, and Lily exhaled a breathy laugh, on the edge of hysteria. Flat-footed and thumping, the teacher left.

"Thank God," Lily said quietly, opening the cupboard door and stepping out with as much dignity as she could muster. Sirius followed, rubbing his side. Somehow, saying things like "You're Head Girl, you're his favorite student, you're allowed out after hours, and _I_ am the one he'd have wanted to kill" didn't seem wise or prudent. He silently appreciated Slughorn's alcoholism, instead.

"Now," Lily was saying, "You're dead."

"Am I?" Sirius replied, somewhat distractedly.

"Very. Thievery from a teacher's stores, trespassing in said stores, walking around after lights-out without a valid reason, snooping... those I can think of immediately. I'm sure there are more."

Realizing he'd have to play this carefully, Sirius looked into Lily's reproving eyes... and smiled. "All right, Evans," he said cheerily.

She looked taken aback, so he allowed some of the night's madness to creep into his gaze and ignite it. Silver eyes, wide and innocent, burned with the intensity of a serial killer's. "If you say so," he added.

Her gaze hardened, but she took a wary step back anyway. "You... think you're above everything, Black. Above the system, above the teachers, above respect for fellow humans..."

Sirius's grin spread across his face, and he cocked his head ever so slightly to the side.

" 'Fellow' may have been the wrong word," Lily said, clearly alarmed. She'd moved behind the table Slughorn had toppled and her right hand inched ever so slightly toward her wand. Sirius allowed his gaze to rove over her figure, stopping just south of her chin...

Lily's cheeks blazed and her voice, swearing at him freely, gained volume. At least if a teacher returned now, she'd have to explain her 'creative' usage of words to the authorities she so loved. That, he thought grimly, was one consolation.

His head snapped up at "good-for-nothing idiot who wanted to be an aristocrat but couldn't handle the life he was given." _You dare, Evans..._

"At least," he said calmly when she was done, "I have never cared." He'd carefully replaced his show of madness with emptiness. One meets fire with ice, and control was the only thing one could gain from an argument with Lily. It was the only thing important to hold on to. She could scream and flail, but he would remain an emotionless mask, outwardly resistant to her no matter how hard she tried to hurt him. "At least I know that my talents don't lie in a family name _or_ the lack of one. At least I don't doubt myself. At least I don't envy the people from powerful bloodlines because I think they've been given something I can never have, never take for myself no matter what my grades look like..."

She slapped him, and the only thing Sirius could revel in was that her palm must be stinging as much as his cheek. "At least I have friends," he continued. "But you can pretend if you like. Keep ignoring James because his focus on you is everything you have, and if you give in he might just move on. Keep studying with Remus, pretending we don't mean twice as much to him as you ever will."

It was time to leave. He turned on his heel and walked, but couldn't stop himself from hearing the words flung after him: "I know things about Remus you haven't dreamed of, Black, but I told him you weren't good enough to waste emotion on. I told him he'd be better off if you never returned his-"

Sirius stopped. He turned around and raised an eyebrow at Lily, noting with some interest that she'd gone white instead of her usual pink. One hand was clapped comically over her mouth, and in that moment, Sirius felt victory.

Well, well.

The smile on his face when he pocketed a bottle of "newt tongue - powdered" was genuine, and the tune he whistled as he took the dungeon stairs in twos was reckless, improvisational. _Catch me if you can, authorities._

They couldn't, and as for Lily... he had nothing more to fear from Lily.


	3. Lily and James

"James," Lily said insistently.

"Lily!" James responded with some surprise, shooting up from where he'd been resting his elbows on the dorm table. "What are you - boys' dorm - I swear I didn't do -" he paused to ruffle his hair desperately, then flatten it, pushing his seat up on the two hind legs to catch his reflection in the window. Just a little higher... just a little too far back. "Does this mean you've stopped calling me Potter?" he added hopefully from the region of her feet.

"Potter," Lily sighed. "Where's Remus?"

"Bugger if I know - Library probably - No, I remember - something about tutoring Transfiguration in first year's McGonagalls," James said, staring fixedly in the other direction.

Lily paused to sort out his scrambled words before giving a sigh of relief. Temporarily safe. "That's all right, then. Didn't your mother ever tell you it's polite to look at the person to whom you're talking?"

"Yes. Yes, but, er- not generally if that means you look up their skirts. Er. Please don't hit me," he continued in hysterics, "Because I didn't look, you saw me not looking, I _swear_ to you Lily I would never even think-"

Irritating as he was, James Potter and his many issues were issues for another time. Lily settled for turning a blotchy red and backing up hurriedly. James scrambled to his feet just as quickly, and a moment of silence passed before Lily demanded, "Do you think Remus is a homosexual?"

"Absolutely," James said, sitting up.

Somewhat taken aback by his immediate response, Lily stared at him. He matched her gaze, nodding earnestly.

"That was... more decisive than I expected of you."

James gave a short laugh and glanced away, fiddling with the noseband of his glasses. "Remember Christmas?"

Lily looked at him blankly.

"With the mistletoe," James prompted.

With the- oh. _Oh._ "What, Remus kissing _me_ makes him gay, Potter?" The righteous, slightly annoyed speech she'd prepared fizzled away when she saw nothing but confusion in James' face.

"He kissed- that is, you kissed-" James appeared to choke on the idea. "I was referring to when he kissed _me._"

Lost for words, Lily sank rather heavily onto the bed across from James, only to spring up again with a cry of disgust.

"Not voluntarily!" James added hastily. "Er- charmed mistletoe and all that. You know. How it is, you know."

"What is that?" Lily hissed, ignoring him completely and pointing at the bedspread. She wondered if she ought to revise the statement to ask instead what it _had_ been.

James merely shrugged. "You chose to sit on Sirius' bed; the consequences are yours. Not that I don't sympathize."

Disgusting, Lily thought. Sirius Black- how utterly disgusting. It brought her attention back to the matter at hand, and she rested her head carefully against a bedpost, lest it explode before she could finish her inquiries. "So you know that Remus... likes guys. Did you know,' -she gathered her courage to say it- "that he likes Sirius Black?"

"That's a bit tougher," James mused, chewing on his lip in thought, "because I think when _Sirius_ kissed me, he was being paid to do it."

"And... and him being willing to kiss you for a few Galleons makes him straight, whereas Remus kissing you because charmed mistletoe forced him to do it makes him gay?"

"I only know what I know," James answered, then continued muttering to himself. Lily scheduled her brain implosion for another time, tuned out "took me by surprise, actually, no warning at all, the bastard, just up and snogged me" and focused on the final question.

"Do you know, then... that Black knows that Remus fancies him?"

James froze. "Oh."

Lily nodded. "Oh, yes."

"Oh, Merlin." He rubbed his forehead in agitation. "Look, Sirius... he can be an arse, but he's not really all _that_ bad. What if..."

But Remus is better. Lily clenched her teeth to respond, "What if, some day when he's being an arse, he decides to act on what he knows? What if he already has? What if he is right now?"

"Bugger. Those two... bugger," James decided, staring away into the middle distance. Lily resisted the impulse to say, optimism only goes so far. "I'm going to go talk to Remus," he added, and leapt for the door.

"Then there's only one more thing I need to know," Lily called after him.

James paused with one hand on the doorframe and raised an eyebrow.

"Have you ever kissed Peter?"

James' eyes closed briefly. "We do not speak of that time." Then he slammed the door and was gone.


	4. James and Remus

**Author's Note: I usually don't include these (it tends to interrupt the flow of the story, I think), but I wanted to take a moment to thank those who've reviewed so far. It's... really great to get feedback from everyone who's reading this, even if it's only a mention of what you liked or laughed at. Thanks to you all. ^_^**

"Remus! Mate! We have trouble."

"I am drafting a list, James..." I responded somewhat dreamily, quill still skritching. "It is of all the Ways Remus Lupin is _Not_ Going to Help His Stupid Friends Out of trouble..."

"You're included in the trouble," James persisted. A chair squeaked its protest as he dragged it back and flung himself into it. The table jolted as he flopped down on it, causing my pen to skid several inches up the parchment.

"...especially regarding situations where they have caused damage to his "d," especially if that damage involves the presence of its loop in multiple lines above where it should be-"

"Remus," James said urgently. "Remus, this is major."

"-and _especially_ with regard to avoidable situations they have dragged their own stupid selves into-"

"It involves Sirius Black," he said with an air of warning.

My heart gave a funny jump, my hand lost track of where it was going, and the second wavery "d" wasn't entirely James' fault.

"Who you fancy despite his regular displays of assholery, and who now knows that," he finished hopelessly.

I stopped writing. _What?_

After thirty seconds of tense silence, I carefully set down my quill, moved the parchment away, and lowered my forehead to the cool surface of the desk.

"Remus," James said uncertainly after another minute. "Are you all right?"

"Whom," I whispered.

"Which one?" James inquired.

"What?"

"I said 'who' twice. Which one was wrong?"

"The first one."

"Oh. Your essay has ink on it," he said cheerily. "More than it should."

I raised my head briefly and cursed at the dripping pen. "How do you know any of this?" I asked at last.

"Erm. Well. I've... suspected that you were that way. Since, you know, Christmas." James turned pink and looked away. I groaned, and didn't bother to lower my head gently this time. _Ow._ "And about the Sirius thing," he continued earnestly. "Lily came into the boys' dorm, started a conversation, asked if you were gay; I said yes and then we talked about me kissing you and me kissing Sirius and she also wanted to know about that time with Pete."

"It sounds like she should have asked if _you_ were gay," I muttered. "Considering she already knew that I am. I told her myself."

"Buggers me what she was asking for, then, and she said, 'do you know that Sirius knows that Remus likes him now,' and I came to talk to you about it. Because he can be... Sirius, and now if he knows, nobody really knows what will happen," James finished.

"He's not gay, is he, James?"

"I don't _know_," James said in exasperation. "Why do you all expect me to know things like this?"

"All?" I said quietly.

"Ah. Yes. Um." James shifted. "Peter knows you're gay, too." When I was silent, he explained, "Asked me, and I said yes."

What a good thing my friends' bizarre speculations were usually right. It would have been irritating, if they weren't, to have the entire school "knowing" I was a poof. Of course it was better that they _actually_ knew, instead. Of _course_. Sarcastically I growled, "I'm surprised you haven't handed out pamphlets to the student body about it."

"Remus, d'you know what I did when Peter started frowning about that?" James sounded indignant. "Pinned him against a wall. Grabbed his shirt collar and made him look me in the eye. Told him it doesn't matter who you like-"

"-Whom again-"

"Because you've been our friend for almost seven years now and I wasn't going to let it change. Told him if he was going to break that off so he could have his hatred or fear or whatever, I'd side with you. What are you angry about?"

I ground my teeth. "So it's fine if the whole school knows, as long as they pretend they don't and as long as they're beaten into tolerance about it?"

"Remus!" Now he seemed hurt.

"Have you told Lily I'm a werewolf yet?" I threw it at him, covering my anxieties with attacks.

Instead of the instant retaliation I'd expected, there was silence.

"Look at me, Remus," James said after a moment. His voice was cold, without any trace of righteousness or feeling. "Look at me."

I lifted my head grudgingly. He had laid his on the table so that we were eye to eye, and he carefully, precisely, spoke his words one after the other.

"Do you really think... that I look at your life as my subject for gossip?" He asked quietly. "Do you think I would tell Lily anything just to get her attention?"

I looked away, but James moved closer and caught my gaze again. "She only knows what you tell her, Remus. She never even asked me before today-"

"When you gave her your opinion on the matter-" I snapped my fingers- "Like that. What are you going to do if she asks about my lycanthropy, James?"

His resolution seemed to waver and he bit his lip. "I don't know," he admitted. "She... Lily would probably already know. She'd have all the information right there. You say she did today, so..."

"So you'd tell her?" I asked softly.

"...No," he said at last. "No, that's for you to decide. If you say you want me to tell her, or answer if she asks, fine. But no, otherwise."

"But it's perfectly fine to talk about my sexuality because she probably already knew..."

James swore. "I'm sorry, Remus. I'm really sorry. I never thought-"

"Try thinking," I said with finality.

He waited to see if I would say anything else. "She... we did this because we're concerned," he tried. "We don't want Sirius to hurt you- we know it's possible, so..."

"If you had all kept your mouths shut, he wouldn't know in the first place. Bye, James. I have an essay to finish."

"Good luck," he said after a moment, and I listened to his defeated footsteps scuff across the floor as he left. Perhaps that had been a bit harsh. James was on my side, after all, and whatever harm he'd done me, I also had an advantage now. Whenever it pleased Sirius (I willed my stomach to stay in place as I considered him) to confront me, I would be ready.

What a good thing that he didn't know that I knew that he knew that- I sighed and directed my wand at the parchment. "Evanesc-" I halted.

_Get it together_, _Lupin._ "-o," I added, pointing instead at a fly. It disappeared. Using a Vanishing spell on the ink would have blanked my entire parchment, I remembered dully. Concentrating it instead in a very small area, I retraced my misshapen pen marks, leaving a blank line with each touch- sometimes in the middle of other letters. Argh. I scratched them back in, but although I moved my hand only minutely, the new lines seemed broken and disjointed compared to the old letters. They didn't quite fit.

These days, it seemed like nothing did.


	5. Remus and Sirius

I was soon to discover that against Sirius Black, there are no advantages. There are also no defenses, no preparations, no expectations and no guidelines as to what he might do. He's a wildcard, and I think he likes it that way.

I wish _I_ didn't.

So as not to bore you, I don't believe I'll go into detail on the two weeks - the nailbiting, sleepless, "Acceptable"-earning, twitchy, _fever dream_ of a fortnight - that Sirius left me hanging. It's enough to say that he did.

James and Lily did an absolutely wretched job of pretending nothing had happened. After the fifth scrawled note of concern and apology, I took to silently burning anything James tried to hand me in class. Whenever Lily caught sight of me -at lunch, in the hallways, during class- she'd mouth, _So?_, eyes wide as though to see through my skull and learn what had happened. I merely scowled in response, so she tracked me down in the library one afternoon. At wandpoint, I told her what I had told James. Somewhat deflated, she left.

I didn't really understand the degree of their reaction. Liking Sirius was not a new thing for me, so after a few days in which he did nothing about it, I settled down into a state of vague panic and went about my business.

Sirius fared better than all of us during that time. He was the variable, the time bomb, the crack in the Hoover Dam just waiting for an opportunity to spread; consequently, no one dared touch him. He and James were best friends, as usual. He and Lily argued, as usual. No one mentioned the subtle shift between us.

However, there was just enough tension to keep it alive. I'd catch him watching me as I did homework - scribbling out the places I'd written 'telephone' instead of 'teapot', losing my train of thought and scattering fragments and comma splices over the page - and when I looked up, he made no pretense of innocence. He held my gaze, and it drove me mad. I could only stare back, becoming more and more flustered until his amusement peaked and he gave me a long, slow, knowing smile.

Later, he made his move, and all hell broke loose. The paper I had been trying to write had turned into a distracted contemplation of _why wizards cared_ about the ecological impact of flobberworms, and that had become a befuddled quest for understanding of how they'd come about and survived in the first place. A magical accident, I'd bet. Rapid reproduction? Lack of natural predators... wizard cultivation for _some reason unknown to me_... wizards, then, have to be fundamentally and entirely stupid; certainly nothing with sense takes interest in flobberworms...

I will restate the obvious: I am fundamentally and entirely stupid.

And, in my fundamental and entire stupidity, I had actually taken more notice of flobberworms - never mind if I had been trying to figure out why anyone took notice - what is that, meta-flobberology? - they're _stupid_ - I am far too muddled to be any good for myself or anyone - than I had taken of Sirius Black.

Ordinarily, of course, I'd be constantly aware of where he was, what he was doing, and how many people made the difference between "in the common room, where Sirius Black also is" and "in the common room with Sirius Black and nobody else." So you can imagine my shock when he walked up behind me, leaned in, and whispered against my ear, "So, Remus, how _do_ flobberworms affect the environment?"

My ear caught fire and was quickly followed by the rest of me.

I'm pretty sure my heartbeat was actually visible_._

I'm sure I would have wondered what the hell Sirius was doing if I hadn't been too busy wondering why I was shivering if I really was aflame.

Not that my reaction was obvious or anything.

"Sirius," I tried to say, but what I actually vocalized was probably closer to a squeak. I swallowed hard in hopes of trying again, and I could _feel_ Sirius' lips form a smile against my ear.

"Hi, Remus," he said, on the edge of laughter. He pulled away, and I can't honestly tell you if I was relieved or not. His eyes met mine, and the smile became a smirk. "I've heard some things."

Here it was.

"I've heard, for instance..." he reached up a hand and trailed a finger down the side of my face, across my jaw. "...That you might enjoy it if I did something like..." the finger found my lips. "This."

I could have sworn there was nothing further you could do to something that was already burning, but if you could set fire on fire, that's what Sirius was doing to me.

"Sirius-" I managed; his hand slipped down to feel the vibrations in my throat. "I-"

He found the hollow just above my collarbone, traced the collarbone itself, and was heading lower. If he kept this up, I was going to perish. If he didn't, the same fate awaited me. But then I began to notice the smirk slide from his lips and out of his eyes, replaced by... something else. Something familiar and desperate.

It wasn't that the sudden attention to a tiny, hypersensitive part of my chest was unwelcome, but it surprised me enough that I jumped, and reflexively brought my own hand up to grasp at his wrist. Given what he had just been doing, I had no way to expect his reaction: he jumped back, breaking the contact. A flush crept across his cheeks - Sirius Black, embarrassed? - and his face spoke only a couple of emotions before he turned away and dashed for the portrait hole.

Pain was among them.

So was fear.

_Author's Note: No, this is not going to end like "Sleepless Nightmares" did. It's going to continue, hopefully at a faster pace than it has been doing._


End file.
